The Answer

Tonight is a sort of vigil for me. I can’t help but to mark time…to think…2 years ago tonight, Andy was still alive.  Yesterday was my birthday and today, for me anyway, marks the day he left us. Thinking about tomorrow hurts too…the day we found out, but I’m actually going to share a post tomorrow that I hope brings the tone back to the realm of love and hope. Because those are the things I want to keep closest to my heart when I think of my brother. All of the other stuff too, yes…but the love most of all.

I actually dreamed of Andy last night; it was only the second clear and focused interaction with him in my dreams since he died. It was so wonderful…such a surprise…and once again I got to hug him big and deep and cradle his face in my hands.

As I keep vigil tonight, I think of my brother as he began his journey to the other side. As he left us and went up into the mountains to wrestle with what I can only imagine was the most tortuous of hours. A few months ago, I was thinking deeply about this time for him and what it must have been like. In response, the following piece of writing just spilled out of me. I am not a poet AT ALL; it’s just not how I write…but I still like to read this because it captures the biggest questions for me…as well as the only real answer we will ever have.

The Answer

What whisper came upon you

When you fell to your sleep?
What coiled angst planted itself
against the earth that night?
Did love and fear and isolation
release themselves
as you inhaled everything you were
and let go?
Exhaling every torment, every doubt
and trusting the swift hand of time
to carry you on.
Or was it all or nothing?
Did the madness eclipse your Light,
your Soul, your Self?
For a moment were you borrowing fate,
trusting nothing but the End?
Or was this mapped out long ago?
Carted, woven and seamed by One
unseen but ever known.
Was this written in the stars, across our hearts and in our blood?
Did it echo in our laughter? Did we know it in our tears?
This sorrow our baited destiny,
unfurled so that pockets and furrows and crevices deep within us
could open and grow and flourish.
 No matter the answer,
the question itself both affirms and denies
that which we think we know as Truth.
 We are left in the deep trenches of uncertainty,
bolstered only by the promise of love-everlasting and time-eternal
and a faith, that someday again
we can delight in the sweet solace of You
Andy and our happy place.

Andy and me…in our happy place.

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