Tonight is a sort of vigil for me. I can’t help but to mark time…to think…2 years ago tonight, Andy was still alive. Yesterday was my birthday and today, for me anyway, marks the day he left us. Thinking about tomorrow hurts too…the day we found out, but I’m actually going to share a post tomorrow that I hope brings the tone back to the realm of love and hope. Because those are the things I want to keep closest to my heart when I think of my brother. All of the other stuff too, yes…but the love most of all.
I actually dreamed of Andy last night; it was only the second clear and focused interaction with him in my dreams since he died. It was so wonderful…such a surprise…and once again I got to hug him big and deep and cradle his face in my hands.
As I keep vigil tonight, I think of my brother as he began his journey to the other side. As he left us and went up into the mountains to wrestle with what I can only imagine was the most tortuous of hours. A few months ago, I was thinking deeply about this time for him and what it must have been like. In response, the following piece of writing just spilled out of me. I am not a poet AT ALL; it’s just not how I write…but I still like to read this because it captures the biggest questions for me…as well as the only real answer we will ever have.
What whisper came upon you